The Phantom of the Opera, Pretty Much
by Irianna
Summary: Chapter five! The newspapers pick up on Firmin's secret identity, Erik is really starting to resemble Michael Jackson, and Carlotta's shoes are disgusting.
1. Chapter 1

"The Phantom of the Opera, Pretty Much"

Chapter 1: Heavy Things Fall On Carlotta

(A rather old MAN enters an OPERA HOUSE. A WOMAN, MADAME GIRY, gives him a LOOK. An AUCTION commences.)

AUCTIONEER: Sold. Your number? Thank you. Now, lot 665: A music box in the shape of a barrel organ, with a cymbal-playing Persian monkey attached. God only knows who would want such a thing.

(The PORTER holds up a truly HIDEOUS music box, with the DETAILS exactly as DESCRIBED.)

PORTER: Showing here.

(The old MAN, hereafter known as RAOUL, gives MADAME GIRY a LOOK. She RETURNS said LOOK. The PORTER plays the MUSIC BOX. We are DISTURBED.)

MADAME GIRY: I want it.

RAOUL: So do I.

MADAME GIRY: Fine, you can have it.

AUCTIONEER: Sold to the Vicomte de Chagny.

(The PORTER hands the MUSIC BOX to RAOUL. RAOUL begins to TALK to HIMSELF.)

RAOUL: A collector's piece indeed... every detail exactly as she said...

(RAOUL whispers some more STUFF, and we get the IDEA that he is REVEALING some vital INFORMATION. However, this doesn't really MATTER, as the old FART speaks so SOFTLY that we can't understand a WORD he is SAYING.)

AUCTIONEER: Lot 666, then. Pay no mind to the unfortunate number; this is the chandelier that we all think crashed down on the opera house many a year ago. The thing really hasn't moved that much over the years. Let's shed some light by pulling off the canvas on the chandelier, mmkay? Oh, did I mention the ghost? Let me think of something thoughtful to say about the ghost.

PORTER: No.

(The PORTER takes the CANVAS off of the CHANDELIER. There is a BIG FLASH. Those who have seen the MUSICAL are not IMPRESSED. Presently we see a lot of STUFF, including MEG and CHRISTINE in their BALLET CLOTHES. We also see MADAME GIRY, but we do not yet know who she IS. The screen FIXES on CARLOTTA. We believe her to be DYING of some very painful INJURY, but it turns out she is just SINGING.)

CARLOTTA: THEEEES TROFEEE FROM OUR SAAAAAAVIORSSSS, FROM THE ENSLEEEEAVEEEENG SUCH AND SUCH

CHORUS: LA LA LA LA HANNIBAL COMES

PIANGI: LA LA LA LA ROMAAA's FAR REACHING GRAAASP

(We see the ORCHESTRA PIT. We are HORRIFIED at the sight of a SCARY MAN.)

SCARY MAN: Although most operas are sung in Italian, we expect you to adapt to our traditions and say Rome, not Roma.

PIANGI: But this is France. Why are we talking in English? Why was I SINGING in English? Why do I even bother singing at all?

SCARY MAN hereafter known as REYER: Why is my part so small?

PIANGI: Why does everyone hate my girlfriend?

REYER: Why is Christine such a loser?

PIANGI: Why do fools fall in love?

REYER: Right then. Now, practice for me. Say Rome.

PIANGI: Rome... Rome... Rome.. (etc.)

(We notice three MEN entering the SCENE. They are LEFEVRE, FIRMIN and ANDRE. They are dressed very STYLISHLY and are ogling the BALLET GIRLS.)

LEFEVRE: Ladies and gentlemen, some of you have already met--

REYER: We're rehearsing.

PIANGI: Rome, Rome, Rome...

LEFEVRE: I see that, but if I could just jump in for a minute--

REYER: REHEARSING.

PIANGI: Rome, Rome, Rome...

LEFEVRE: You've made that clear, but I really--

REYER: May Lucifer curse your pitiful soul for eternity. Now, Piangi, once more...

(Some THINGS fall on CARLOTTA.)

CARLOTTA: Ow. Ow. Ow.

PIANGI: SAD TO RETURN TO FIND THE LA--oh. Cara, are you all right?

(CARLOTTA attempts to speak, but is HIT by a falling BACKDROP.)

PIANGI: Um, I guess not.

CARLOTTA: Ow, ow, ow...

(CARLOTTA throws off the BACKDROP and runs off of the STAGE. ANDRE and FIRMIN look CONFUSED.)

FIRMIN: All right then. What now?

ANDRE: I think we need an understudy.

(At the word "UNDERSTUDY," the entire CAST looks at ANDRE as if he has said something OUTRAGEOUS. It greatly resembles the HYSTERIA following the SECRET WORD on those PEEWEE HERMAN TELEVISION SHOWS. Everyone SCREAMS and SHUDDERS and SO ON.)

LEFEVRE: But there IS no understudy for La Carlotta!

FIRMIN: La Carlotta? I thought her name was Carlotta Giudicelli or something!

ANDRE: Well, I thought your name was Richard!

FIRMIN: Uh...

LEFEVRE: That's actually a very good question. Monsieur, what IS your first name? Is it Firmin, or is it Richard?

FIRMIN: It's... neither. It's Evangeline.

ANDRE: Evangeline Firmin? Or Firmin Evangeline?

FIRMIN: Shut up!

MADAME GIRY: Christine Daae could sing the part, sir.

FIRMIN: ...what?

MADAME GIRY: The part. Elissa. Christine Daae could sing it.

CHRISTINE: No I couldn't.

MADAME GIRY: Just because Emmy Rossum can't sing doesn't mean you can't. You will sing.

CHRISTINE: Um...

(A rather DISGRUNTLED RAOUL walks ONSTAGE. He FROWNS.)

RAOUL: Will someone please acknowledge my presence?

ANDRE: Right, yes. Please meet our new patron, the Vicomte de Chagny.

EVERYONE: Yay.

CHRISTINE: Aah! That's that guy! The guy who got my scarf out of the river, and who called me Little Lotte and stuff!

MEG: Lotte? How do you get Lotte out of Christine?

CHRISTINE: I'm not entirely sure. Anyway, he's hot, huh?

MEG: Very.

RAOUL: Ahem.

FIRMIN: So... Miss Daae. Sing for us.

ANDRE: Elissa has a rather splendid aria in act three, yes?

FIRMIN: Shut up, you! I'm the composer here!

ANDRE: Oh, whatever. Daae, sing.

(CHRISTINE begins to SING. As she SINGS, the WORLD turns AROUND. We find ourselves watching CHRISTINE sing in front of an AUDIENCE.)

CHRISTINE: Thiiiink of meeee... thiiiink of me foooondly...

RAOUL: Wow, that girl looks familiar.

CHRISTINE: Blah blah blah please promise me that sometimes you will think OoOooOoOoOoooOo...

RAOUL: Can it be Christine?

CHRISTINE: OoooOOOoOoOOOOOoOooOooOoOo...

RAOUL: I think it might be.

CHRISTINE: OoOoOoOoOoOoOooOoOOOoOO...

RAOUL: Yes, it is. No, wait, it might be Melissa, that girl I met last summer...

CHRISTINE: OoOooOoOooOoOOoOOoOooOOO...

RAOUL: Oh, I seem to have broken a nail. How dreadful...

CHRISTINE: OoOooOoOOoOOOOOoOoOoOOo...

RAOUL: Oh, that chandelier is divine...

CHRISTINE: OooOoOoOooOooOoOOooOoOo...

RAOUL: Hmm... getting kind of tired...

CHRISTINE: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooOooOOoORAOULSINGYOURLINEooOoOoOoOOooOoOOOO...

RAOUL: Oh. Right. Can it be, can it be Christine! BRAVA! BRAVA!

CHRISTINE: OoOoOoOoOoffff... MEEEEEEEEEEE!

AUDIENCE: YAAAY!


	2. Magical Meggles and the Tragic Death

-Chapter Two: Magical Meggles and the Tragic Death of Herbert-

(We see CHRISTINE sitting in her DRESSING ROOM. She is lighting CANDLES with a MATCH. Behind her is a MIRROR.)

CHRISTINE: Candles, candles, yay!

(A VIOLIN that we do not SEE begins to PLAY.)

CHRISTINE: Hmm?

PHANTOM: Brava, brava, bravissima!

CHRISTINE: Wow, I must've inhaled a little too much smoke...

PHANTOM: No, you idiot, I'm in the mirror!

CHRISTINE: What?

(MEG enters.)

MEG: Where in the world have you been hiding?

CHRISTINE: Right here...

MEG: Oh. Well, really, you were perfect. Who is your new tutor?

CHRISTINE: Father once spoke of an angel. I always dreamed he'd appear. I guess he did.

MEG: I hear your voice in the darkness, yet the words aren't yours.

CHRISTINE: Dude. There is no darkness. It's perfectly bright in here.

MEG: I can fix that.

(MEG waves her HAND, and the CANDLES go OUT.)

CHRISTINE: How did you DO that?

MEG: I'm magic!

CHRISTINE: Well, I suppose that's reasonable, because you don't have much of a part otherwise...

MEG: Hey!

(The GIRLS open the DOOR and see a CROWD. Among the CROWD are RAOUL, ANDRE, FIRMIN, and MADAME GIRY.)

MADAME GIRY: Come practice, Meggles, darling!

MEG: MOTHER!

(MEG and MADAME GIRY leave.)

ANDRE: Mmm, Richard, this is some good champagne.

FIRMIN: Give me that!

(FIRMIN grabs a BOTTLE from ANDRE. He DRINKS. Meanwhile, MADAME GIRY returns with a NOTE.)

MADAME GIRY: Oh, Christine, this is for you.

(She LEAVES.)

ANDRE: Ooo! What does it say?

CHRISTINE: It says: "A red scarf, the attic, Little Lotte."

FIRMIN: That's not a complete sentence!

RAOUL: I don't care.

ANDRE: You aren't even in this scene.

CHRISTINE: I don't think I am either. All of you, out! I have to go into my dressing room!

(She DOES.)

FIRMIN: Uh... yay, not a single refund.

ANDRE: You expected one?

RAOUL: ...greedy.

FIRMIN: That's my wife's line.

ANDRE: You're married, Richard?

FIRMIN: You mean Evangeline. And yes, I am.

RAOUL: Your wife only has one line; I have fifty million. I figured we might as well kill her, so I could have fifty million and one.

FIRMIN: You killed Herbert? NO! NOT HERBERT!

ANDRE: Wait... isn't Herbert a man's name?

FIRMIN: Um... Gilles, I think we've made quite a discovery in Miss Daae!

ANDRE: Don't change the subject! This is getting juicy!

RAOUL: ...quite a discovery indeed. I'm going to go and harass her now.

FIRMIN: As you wish.

(RAOUL enters the DRESSING ROOM.)

CHRISTINE: RAOUL! You have to knock! What if I were changing or something!

RAOUL: All the better for me, then!

CHRISTINE: RAOUL!

RAOUL: Hey, where is your red scarf? You better not have lost it--I went to so much trouble to get it! I was just fourteen and soaked to the skin.

CHRISTINE: No, actually you were, like, eight. According to the books, anyway.

RAOUL: ...Little Lotte let her mind wander.

BOTH: She thought: Am I fonder of dolls or goblins or shoes or flowers or butterflies or kittens or violins or monkey music boxes or your mother or Rick James or more kittens or riddles or frocks or Dick Cheney or lions or tigers or bears or Brad Pitt or hearts or stars or horseshoes or clovers or blue moons or Fruity Pebbles or Lake Huron or frilly dresses or pink or...

RAOUL: ...Yeah, I think that's enough of that. Let's go to supper.

CHRISTINE: No, because my father sent me the Angel of Music and he's very strict.

RAOUL: Well, I have to go get my hat so I can look pretty. Go change. NOW.

(He LEAVES.)

CHRISTINE: Wow...

(A really loud VOICE booms from the HEAVENS. Or perhaps just the MIRROR. Either way, the VOICE is very LOUD.)

VOICE: INSOLENT BOY, THIS SLAVE OF FASHION! BASKING IN YOUR GLORY!

CHRISTINE: Angel?

VOICE: ...YES, LET'S GO WITH THAT. LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

CHRISTINE: Why?

VOICE: BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO.

(CHRISTINE looks in the MIRROR. She sees GERARD BUTLER behind her.)

CHRISTINE: Oh, you're that guy from Timeline!

PHANTOM: NO!

CHRISTINE: Yes you are! You're the one who married Claire and lived happily ever after!

PHANTOM: Uh...right then. I am your Angel of Music. Come to me, Angel of Music.

CHRISTINE: Wait, I thought YOU were the Angel of Music, not me.

PHANTOM: You are.

CHRISTINE: Then what are you?

PHANTOM: The Angel of Music.

CHRISTINE: We can't BOTH be the Angel of Music!

PHANTOM: I don't know. Blame our lyricist.

CHRISTINE: 'Kay. Now, can we elope through the mirror despite the fact that I have a guy waiting for me?

PHANTOM: Sounds good to me.

(We see RAOUL listening through the DOOR.)

RAOUL: Whose is that voice? Who is that in there? Could it be Madonna? Or perhaps Jerry Springer?

PHANTOM: I am your Angel of Music. Come to me, Angel of Music.

CHRISTINE: You just said that.

PHANTOM: Oh, right. Let's go, then.

(They DISAPPEAR through the MIRROR. RAOUL rushes INSIDE the DRESSING ROOM.)

RAOUL: Christine? Angel? Rick James? 


	3. Meggles and the King

Disclaimer: I forgot to put in a disclaimer for the last two chapters, so yeah, I don't own any of this.

A/N: Thanks to the three who have reviewed this story. Oh, and while there is not a Timeline reference in this chapter, there will be in nearly every other chapter, because I find the idea of Marek as the Phantom absolutely hilarious.

-Chapter 3: Meggles and the King-

(At the start of this scene, we see many STAIRCASES. There are also a lot of BRIDGES. We see CHRISTINE and ERIK on one of these BRIDGES.)

CHRISTINE: In sleep he sang to me! In dreams he came!

(Out of nowhere, a HORSE appears. His name is CESAR. ERIK lifts CHRISTINE on top of CESAR.)

CESAR: Ow! Christine, have you ever considered the Atkins diet?

CHRISTINE: Aah! This horse talks! And it isn't even a very NICE horse!

ERIK: Now, Cesar. Be nice to my girlfriend.

CESAR: Bah humbug.

ERIK: Okay, here's the gondola. We don't need you anymore, Cesar. Go have a beer or something.

CESAR: 'Kay.

(CESAR goes AWAY. CHRISTINE and ERIK get into the GONDOLA. ERIK waves his HAND, and some CANDLES light.)

CHRISTINE: Wow, you're as magical as Meg is!

ERIK: Yeah, I think there's a distant relation somewhere...

CHRISTINE: Wow, really? All the MmeGiryErik and MegErik shippers are going to be so upset...

ERIK: Pardon?

CHRISTINE: Nothing.

ERIK: Okay. Well, anyway...SING ONCE AGAIN WITH ME.. OUR STRANGE DUET... BLAH BLAH BLAH

BOTH: Your spirit and my/your voice, in one combined... the PHAAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THEEEERE... inside my/your miiiind...

CHORUS: HE'S THERE! THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

ERIK: No, really? I never would've guessed.

CHORUS: Oh, shut up. BEWARE, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

(ERIK and CHRISTINE get off of the GONDOLA. They walk into the candlelit LAIR, passing a SIGN which reads "BEWARE OF PHANTOM.")

CHRISTINE: He's there, the phantom of the opera... oOOoOooOOoOOooOooh!

ERIK: SING!

CHRISTINE: I am! OooOooOoooOooOooOOoOh!

ERIK: SING, MY ANGEL! SING FOR MEEEEE!

CHRISTINE: Maybe if you would shut up for a second, you would notice that I AM singing! OoOOooOooOOooOooOooOoooOooOoh!

ERIK: Yay. Anyway... IIII HAAAAVE BROOOOUGHT YOUUUUUU... TO THE SEEEEAT OF SWEET MUUUUSIC'S THROOOOONE... TO THIS KIINGDOM WHERE ALL MUST PAY HOMAGE TO MUUUUUUSIC... MUUUUSIC...

CHRISTINE: Aah!

ERIK: Uh, sorry. Want me to sing you something pretty?

CHRISTINE: Is that your definition of pretty?

ERIK: Oh, shut it.

(ERIK adopts a quiet, tender voice.)

ERIK: Nighttime... sharpens... heightens each sensation... Darkness... stirs and... wakes imagination... Silently the senses... abandon their defenses...

ORCHESTRA: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

ERIK: Wow, where did the orchestra come from?

ORCHESTRA: The original Canadian cast.

ERIK: Really? Funny how I never noticed you all before... kinda like that chorus that sort of came out of nowhere... anyway, let's continue my song.

(They DO.)

ERIK: ...let your MIND start a journey through a STRANGE NEW WORLD! Leave all THOUUUGHTS of the world you knew before! Let your soul take you where you long to BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

(Five MINUTES pass. A MAN comes to deliver a PIZZA. CHRISTINE pays him a few FRANCS and he LEAVES. All the WHILE, ERIK is HOLDING his VERY LONG NOTE.)

ERIK: -EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(ERIK waves his ARMS in the AIR. CHRISTINE stares blankly at him.)

ERIK: (in a WHISPER.) Only then... can you belong to meeeeee...

(ERIK finishes his SONG. As he DOES, he and CHRISTINE walk into a ROOM with a BED. This BED is, for some reason, shaped like a SWAN.)

CHRISTINE: Wow, you have a swan bed? That's a bit effeminate.

ERIK: It's not MY bed... it's YOUR bed. Anyway, come look over here.

(ERIK pulls a COVER off of a LUMP in the CORNER. The LUMP is revealed as a DUMMY of CHRISTINE, in a WEDDING GOWN.)

CHRISTINE: OH MY GOD STALKER!

(CHRISTINE FAINTS.)

DUMMY: Wha...? Was it something I said?

ERIK: No, it wasn't your fault, Caroline.

(ERIK lifts CHRISTINE into the EFFEMINATE SWAN BED.)

ERIK: You alone can make my song take fliiiiiiiiiight...Help me make the music of the... NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

-THE NEXT MORNING OMG-

(CHRISTINE wakes up and walks into the OTHER ROOM, where ERIK is banging on the keys of his ORGAN. Although the SOUNDS he is MAKING are not very PLEASANT, apparently he thinks them IMPORTANT enough to WRITE them on some PAPER.)

CHRISTINE: Can you shut up for one second? You woke me up, and this noise is awful.

(ERIK continues to BANG on the KEYS)

CHRISTINE: Umm... I remember there was mist... swirling mist upon a vaaast, glassy lake...

(CHRISTINE attempts to pull the MASK off of ERIK'S FACE. She FAILS.)

CHRISTINE: Damn, this thing is slippery. ...there were candles all around... and on the lake there was a boat...

(CHRISTINE tries AGAIN. She FAILS.)

CHRISTINE: God, this thing is hard to get off... oh, I know! WHO WAS THAT SHAPE IN THE SHADOOOOOOOWS! WHOSE IS THE FACE IN THE MAAAAAAAASK!

(CHRISTINE rips the MASK off of ERIK'S FACE. ERIK jumps UP, begins to SCREAM, throws his HANDS over his FACE, and generally goes BALLISTIC.)

ERIK: DAMN YOU CURSE YOU DAMN YOU CURSE YOU VIXEN DELILAH STUPID LOSER OMG NOW YOU CAN'T EVER LEAVE EVER BECAUSE I'M GOING TO KEEP YOU HERE FOREVER!

CHRISTINE: Uh.. oops?

ERIK: Okay, you can leave now.

CHRISTINE: I'm sorry?

ERIK: I said you can leave now.

CHRISTINE: But you just said... oh, whatever. Bye.

(She LEAVES. We see MEG walking into CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM. CHRISTINE has not yet EMERGED from the MIRROR, apparently.)

MEG: Christine? Christine?

(Some LIGHTS go OUT.)

MEG: Crap!

(MEG waves her HAND. The LIGHTS turn back ON.)

JOEL SCHUMACHER: Meg, stop it. The darker it is, the creepier the scene will look.

MEG: Oh, ok..

(MEG waves her HAND again. The LIGHTS go OUT. The MIRROR swings BACK, and MEG walks into the CORRIDOR.)

MEG: Wow, Christine has a secret passageway in her dressing room! I wonder what she's been doing in here. Maybe she uses it to get to the mall or the beach or the set of Lost or California! Or perhaps she uses it to go to a candlelit lair where a masked man seduces her by singing and playing the organ... hm, no, probably not. My bet's on California.

(MEG continues down the CORRIDOR. A RAT scurries in front of her.)

RAT: Hey, watch your step, you idiot! You could've crushed me!

MEG: Ew! A rat that talks! Get away from me, rat!

RAT: That's King Walter Jebediah Jones to you.

MEG: God, I must really be tripping...

(A HAND reaches out and grabs MEG.)

MEG: OMG AAAH

MADAME GIRY: Meggles, darling, what are you doing in here?

MEG: Nooo... 


	4. The Chapter that Never Was

Disclaimer: I do not own POTO, Michael Jackson, Gaston Leroux, Chuck Norris or Timeline.

-Chapter 4: The Chapter that Never Was-

(We see JOSEPH BUQUET and some BALLET GIRLS. For some unknown REASON, BUQUET is wearing a CAPE and holding a piece of ROPE.)

BUQUET: Like yellow parchment is his skin... a great black hole is half the nose that never grew...

BALLET GIRL 1: That sounds suspiciously like Michael Jackson.

BUQUET: You know what, you're right. A cross between Michael Jackson and a wrinkly old guy.

PHANS: The Phantom is not wrinkly or old!

(MICHAEL CRAWFORD appears in a FLASH OF LIGHT.)

MICHAEL CRAWFORD: Oh yes I am! And I'm from the original London cast, so what I say is law!

GERARD BUTLER: Well, I'm... the guy from Timeline! At least I got ONE hot French babe!

BALLET GIRLS: Ooh, burn.

MICHAEL CRAWFORD: That's it, it's on. Right now. Let's go.

(The two PHANTOMS begin to FIGHT. ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER and GASTON LEROUX rush in.)

WEBBER: Guys, guys, stop fighting!

LEROUX: Neither of you are entirely canon, you know that. Michael, you don't have a torture chamber, and Gerard, you are entirely too attractive to play someone so horribly disfigured.

(Everyone looks at LEROUX in shock.)

LEROUX: I...didn't say that.

WEBBER: Okay then. Gaston, you should probably go back to your own time. Michael and I have an appointment with Mr. Schumacher, and Gerry... go cry over "Down Once More."

GERARD BUTLER: That wasn't very nice! And besides, my tears are manly tears!

MICHAEL CRAWFORD: They are nothing compared to the tears of my fellow wrinkly old guy, Chuck Norris! Chuck's tears cure all conceivable diseases! Too bad he never cries!

(In the midst of this HYSTERIA, the PERSIAN and DARIUS rush in.)

PERSIAN: Webber! I've finally found you!

DARIUS: We have a bone to pick with you!

WEBBER: Pardon?

PERSIAN: Why are we not in your musical?

DARIUS: Is it because we aren't pretty?

PERSIAN: Is it because we smell?

DARIUS: Is it because we don't have attractive female life partners?

PERSIAN: And what happened to Moncharmin? He's so much sexier than Andre!

(Everyone looks at the PERSIAN.)

LEROUX: That, Daroga, is why you don't have an attractive female life partner.

PERSIAN: Aww, Gaston...

LEROUX: Come on, Daroga. I mean, in the novel, you once offered to catch Raoul in your arms. And you worded it exactly like that.

PERSIAN: It's not MY fault! I didn't write the book!

LEROUX: You wrote the narrative that was inside the book, though. You could've chosen not to publish that particular detail.

WEBBER: Are you questioning my hero's sexuality? He has to be hunky and blonde so he can go save Christine from the Phantom!

LEROUX: For the record, his name is Erik. Say it with me now: Erik.

BUQUET: I hate to interrupt, but... you kind of ruined our scene.

BALLET GIRL 2: Yeah, we were having a discussion.

LEROUX: Oh, sorry... I should probably go back to my own time anyway.

(LEROUX disappears in a TIME WARP. The PERSIAN and DARIUS follow.)

GERARD BUTLER: While you've all been arguing, I've been reading more of the script. Does anyone have a Kleenex?

WEBBER: Shut up, or I'll have Joel doctor the ending so that when Meg goes down to the lair at the end, she finds you in a sarcophagus that says--

GERARD BUTLER: SHUT UP ABOUT TIMELINE ALREADY!

MICHAEL CRAWFORD: Andy, I think we should probably head back to... wherever we came from.

WEBBER: Jolly good.

(WEBBER and MICHAEL CRAWFORD disappear. GERARD BUTLER, script in hand, also disappears. BUQUET and the BALLET GIRLS are left standing in silence.)

BUQUET: ...I think we should start over.

BALLET GIRL 1: That would be a good idea.

BUQUET: Uh.. makeup!

(As the MAKEUP CREW descends upon the ACTORS, everyone pretends that this CHAPTER never HAPPENED, and prepares for ANOTHER TAKE.) 


	5. Another Attempt

(Disclaimer: I do not own PotO, Rita Skeeter, or Michael Jackson. I do, however, own the wonderful King Walter Jebediah Jones.)

-Chapter 5: Another Attempt-

(We once again see BUQUET and the BALLET GIRLS, with BUQUET in his aforementioned bizarre COSTUME.)

BUQUET: Now, let's try this again. Like yellow parchment is his skin... a great black hole is half the nose that never grew...

BALLET GIRL 1: Like Michael Jackson.

(BUQUET for some reason puts the NOOSE around his NECK.)

BALLET GIRL 1: AAAAAAH!

EVERYONE ELSE: YAY!

(MADAME GIRY enters, in a FURY.)

MADAME GIRY: Those who speak of what they know find too late that prudent silence is wise!

BUQUET: This coming from the woman who plays Rita Skeeter?

MADAME GIRY: Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue! He will burn you with the heat of his eyes!

BUQUET: How is that even possible?

MADAME GIRY: I don't know. Ask my daughter; she's the magician of the family.

(On that note, we cut to MEG. She is at the WINDOW of the DORMITORY, and she can see the ROOF of the OPERA HOUSE. KING WALTER JEBEDIAH JONES is on her SHOULDER.)

WALTER: ...and then I told him, you know what? You stay away from me, or I'll--

MEG: AAAAAAAAAH!

WALTER: What!

MEG: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera!

BALLET GIRLS: AAH!

(MADAME GIRY rushes in.)

MADAME GIRY: (INSERT RANDOM FRENCH HERE)

AUDIENCE: What the...?

MEG: Aww, mom, I don't want to go to bed.

(The scene changes to the MANAGERS' OFFICE. FIRMIN sits at his desk, waving a NEWSPAPER over his head.)

FIRMIN: "Mystery after gala night!" It says "Mystery of soprano's flight!" But that's not all! They also exposed the secret of my real name and are calling me Angie in all their articles... oh, it hurts...

(ANDRE rushes in.)

ANDRE: DAAAMNNNABLLLE, will they all walk out? This is DAAAMNNNNABLLE!

FIRMIN: Andre, please stop singing like the guys from the original Canadian cast!

ANDRE: ...but they called me short in the newspapers!

FIRMIN: They called ME Angie!

ANDRE: Aw, poor Firmin... let's rent cheesy movies and eat Doritos all night.

FIRMIN: Where on earth did that come from?

ANDRE: Hey, what are those letters?

FIRMIN: I don't know. Let's find out.

(They OPEN the NOTES.)

FIRMIN: Oh my... what does yours say?

ANDRE: It says: "Dear Shorty, congratulations on being tall enough to reach the table that this note was on. Anyway, please kill Carlotta, because she sucks. Love, MJ."

FIRMIN: Wow. Mine says: "Dear Angie, I enjoyed the interesting revelation as to your gender. Also, please give me money, because it's pretty and I like to look at it. Love, MJ."

BOTH: Who would have the gall to send this? OH! Of course! Someone with a puerile brain!

FIRMIN: These are both signed "MJ!"

ANDRE: Who the hell... are they?

BOTH: WACKO JACKO!

FIRMIN: Wow, being watched by a pedophile kind of sucks.

(RAOUL enters.)

RAOUL: Where is she?

FIRMIN: You mean Carlotta?

RAOUL: Yes, of course I mean Carlotta. Of course I do. Carlotta is just the person I most want to see right now. Of course.

ANDRE: Well, who DO you mean, then?

RAOUL: ...Miss Daae...

FIRMIN: Well, how should we know where she is?

RAOUL: You don't know?

ANDRE: That's pretty much what he just said.

RAOUL: Stop lying! Is this not the letter you wrote?

FIRMIN: And what is it that we're meant to have wrote? Wait, written! No, writed. Writted?

RAOUL and ANDRE: WRITTEN!

ANDRE: Let's see this note then... it says: "Do not fear for Miss Daae; the Angel of Music, King of Pop has her under his wing. Make no attempt to see her again."

FIRMIN: But I thought Michael Jackson liked... boys!

ANDRE: Well, he was with Lisa Marie that one time...

FIRMIN: Oh, right.

(In the midst of the HYSTERIA, CARLOTTA and PIANGI rush in.)

CARLOTTA: WHERE IS HE!

ANDRE: Ah, welcome back!

CARLOTTA: Your precious patron--where is he!

RAOUL: Right over here, Madame Intelligent.

CARLOTTA: YOU! Stop writing me mean letters!

FIRMIN: Not more notes!

CARLOTTA: Read it for yourself!

RAOUL: Let's see now... "Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered. Christine Daae will be singing on your behalf tonight, and if you want to say otherwise, I'll eat your brains."

FIRMIN: Wait, what is this Opera Populaire? I thought we were in the Palais Garnier...?

PIANGI: The puh-WHAT?

ANDRE: Oh, shut up. You weren't even in the novel, were you?

RAOUL: Please, let's not get sidetracked.

ANDRE and FIRMIN: Uh.. far too many notes for our taste! And most of them about Christine! All we've heard since we came is Miss Daae's NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME--

(MADAME GIRY and MEG enter.)

MADAME GIRY: Miss Daae has returned.

FIRMIN: I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned.

MADAME GIRY: What?

FIRMIN: Not sure what that meant...

ANDRE: Where precisely is she now?

MADAME GIRY: I thought it best that she went home.

MEG: Sheeee neeeeeedeeeeed... REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSST!

MADAME GIRY: Meg, why all the fanfare?

MEG: I was making the most of my only line for like ten million years.

RAOUL: Wow. Well, can I go harass her?

MADAME GIRY: No.

CARLOTTA: WEEL SHE SEEENG! WEEL SHE SEEENG!

MADAME GIRY: Look, I have a note! See? It's shiny!

EVERYONE: LET ME SEE IT!

FIRMIN: No, let ME see it!

(FIRMIN snatches the NOTE from MADAME GIRY.)

FIRMIN: It says: "Gentlemen, you suck and don't know how to run an opera house. Christine Daae is back, and she's going to play the lead in Il Muto. Make Carlotta play a guy. If you don't do all that, I will make a big shiny thing fall on your collective head."

CARLOTTA: Me, a man? Absurd!

FIRMIN: Well, you know, sometimes Lyse Guerin kind of looks like--

PIANGI: This is all a ploy to help Christine!

ANDRE: No way! Really?

CARLOTTA: I know who sent this: The Vicomte, her lover!

RAOUL: Indeed. Didn't we just go over the fact that I didn't send these notes?

CARLOTTA: You didn't send it?

RAOUL: No.

CARLOTTA: You dare to tell me that this is not the letter you sent?

RAOUL: Carly, I just said that several times. I. DID. NOT. SEND. THE. LETTER.

ANDRE: Well, we don't take orders, Signora. Miss Daae will be playing the pageboy.

ANDRE and FIRMIN: CARLOTTA WILL BE PLAYING THE LEAD!

CARLOTTA: No! You're just kissing my ass!

ANDRE and FIRMIN: No, we love you! We love you love you love you! Here are puppies and shoes and a pretty pink dress! Prima Donna, first lady of the stage, your devotees are on their knees to implore you!

CARLOTTA: Fine, I'll sing... if one of you will drink from my shoe.

ANDRE: Wha..!

(CARLOTTA takes off her SHOE and hands it to FIRMIN, along with a BOTTLE of CHAMPAGNE.)

CARLOTTA: Drink, or no sing.

FIRMIN: Ew... but... that's unsanitary...

RAOUL: Christine spoke of an angel. Is this her angel of music?

ANDRE: Remember that letter that said "The Angel of Music, King of Pop has her under his wing?"

RAOUL: Oh, yeah. Right.

FIRMIN: I really, really don't want to do this...

CARLOTTA: Drink, or no sing.

(FIRMIN DRINKS.)

FIRMIN: OH MY GOD! Ah... I can see my life flashing before my eyes... oh, look, porn...

CARLOTTA: What on earth was I thinking, coming to work here...

(FIRMIN passes out on the FLOOR.)

EVERYONE: Sing, Prima Donna... once MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

(A loud VOICE booms from the HEAVENS.)

ERIK: So, it is to be war between us! If these demands are not met, a big shiny thing will destroy you! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--oh.

EVERYONE: Um.. once MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! 


End file.
